Excluding Old but Distant Friends?

Q. I'm no longer as close with a friend as I was when I took part in her wedding years ago. Since then I've developed a strong tie with another person whom I'd like to have as a bridesmaid. But I'm afraid my old pal will be offended if I leave her out of my wedding party. Since I was her attendant, am I obligated to ask her to return the favor?

A. Contrary to what many people may believe, there is no reciprocal bridesmaid rule. Relationships change, of course, and your friend may be relieved and not a bit surprised to learn she isn't in your bridal party. When you tell her that you're engaged, though, be up-front about your plans. You could say, "I hope you'll be able to come to our wedding. I want to let you know that I'm only having a few bridesmaids—just my sisters and a close friend, Anne." Meanwhile, you can do your part to keep up the relationship: Include your longer-term friend in pre-wedding gatherings or ask her to perform a special function on your big day, such as a ceremony reading.

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Peggy Post